By DiAnn Mills @DiAnnMills
Last Monday, we buried my mother. She was almost 86 and in declining health. Near the end, she slipped into a coma and died peacefully. She’s buried beside Dad, and together they’re catching up in heaven.
When I received the call of Mother’s death, I was numb. I realized grief is . . .
- A nagging headache.
- Nausea.
- Waiting for the lump in my throat to happen.
- Waiting for tears to leave me in a helpless puddle.
- A chipped nail.
- Prayer for strength, even though I don’t know what’s ahead.
- An opportunity to write Mother’s obituary, memory-bulletin, and design a bookmark that reflects a celebration of life.
- A devotion that mentions the same hymns Mother selected for her funeral.
- Texts and emails from seldom heard friends and family.
- Scattered.
- Sensory overload triggered by raw feelings.
- An obsession to be doing something. So at 5:30 in the morning I clean the fridge. Scour the sink.
- Wondering when the sorrow will punch me hard.
- A step back into the past with memories and conversations.
- A need to pull weeds in the backyard.
- A push to edit another writer’s story. It’s good and I let him know.
- I don’t want to talk or see anyone.
- A plane ride from Houston to Ohio.
- Listening to my husband rehearse the music for Mother’s service. In an empty church.
- Enduring cold rain when I wish the sun would shine.
- The day of the funeral dawned a beautiful fall day.
Grief doesn’t always have to be a death. It’s a loss of any magnitude: a job, a relationship, a natural disaster—anything that steals our joy and rattles our hearts. We all experience it, and yet we are profoundly caught off guard when circumstances happen and usher in grief.
During this time, I thought about you and how I could possibly offer a little insight into the healing value of walking through grief. This is what we should be prepared for:
- God is not surprised by our loss. He’s right there to comfort us with His presence and His Word. He’s not unaware of our emotions. Even our anger.
- Sorrow doesn’t come with a handbook. We aren’t to feel guilty for lack of tears or a flooding. And tears aren’t timed with a stop and go button.
- Emotions are unexpected and unpredictable.
- Memories are like healing balm. Let them cover you.
- Grief can’t be stuffed into a corner, because it will burst out fighting.
- Prayer is your best friend.
- Comfort comes from many sources. Allow others to comfort you even if what they say isn’t appropriate.
Time passes one moment at a time. You will get through this, and one day be able to help someone else who is grieving.
Scripture: Matthew 5:4 ESV “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Grief is an emotion, a trait we share with others and God. It’s not an enemy but a means to work through loss. We can’t question how long it will continue, but the devastating sorrow will fade with time. Never forgotten. Always with memories and hope.
What one thing has helped you manage grief in the past?
DiAnn’s Library Corner
Arrange all your Thanksgiving books for children in a fall display. Have a coloring contest for the younger children that fits your budget.
I am terribly sorry for your loss DiAnn my condolences for your and your family .
Grief is very hard to deal with luckily I haven’t had anyone that close to me pass away so I wouldn’t know how I will handle it nor what would make it easier for me to deal with it . I would try to remember all the good times I had with that person and know that I will see them again soon someday .
I pray that God be with you and your family. The thing I learned about grief is no matter how long it has been. Some days grief hits you in the face like it just happen. I lost my husband eleven years ago and I still feel at times like I just los t him.
Thank you, Susan, for your kind words.
DiAnn,
I am sorry to hear about your mother. Grief is a strange thing. When my mother died unexpectedly I gravitated between being paralyzed and rushing around trying to be busy enough that I just dropped at the end of the day.
My faith helped with not having the angry why feelings, but left me with my own lost feelings. Feelings about how to rearrange my future and the things I had planned that I wanted to do with her, such as my daughter’s wedding, just going out to lunch with a new grand baby, or just talking to her in the evening after a long day. I was just sad that she was gone. She was such a part of my life.
But I picked up the pieces and found different ways to fill those voids. And my daughter’s were getting older and I shifted to calling them regularly in the evenings. And surprise, I am now my mother.
Hi Sharyl, Your last sentence is so true. I’ve become my mother, and it’s not a bad thing. Thank you for posting.
I’m so sorry to learn of your mother’s passing, but what a comfort to know both of your parents believed in Jesus and are in heaven together glorifying God. Both of my husband’s parents and my parents have died, my mother being the last of them alive on this earth. While she had multiple myeloma, a slowly progressing kind, she ultimately died peacefully in her sleep of diabetes mellitus. I was so relieved and grateful that she didn’t suffer. The pastor who performed her memorial service explained to the family that grief tends to come over the remaining loved ones like ocean waves. One minute they think they’re going about their day and functioning fine, and, all of a sudden, a wave of sadness envelops them. Those happy and other special memories remain long after the painful sadness washes away. Love and hugs!
Thank you, Suzanne, Having our parents pass peacefully is a relief and a blessing. I appreciate your kind words.
So sorry for your loss. I have found that when I look at a calendar I can find at least one really great memory for every month. I write it down and later I realize I have several things each month and after a time there are very few days without a happy memory each year. God bless you and wrap you in beautiful memories.
Hi Rita, what a beautiful idea of finding a memory a month. That’s rich with blessings. Thank you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray for comfort and strength for you today and in the days ahead. When I lost my brother over twenty years ago, the Lord’s promise in John 14:2 gave me comfort: “In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.” We will see our loved ones again. They are enjoying what we all long for – being with God in our heavenly home.
Thank you, Alicia for such beautiful comforting words.
DiAnn,
I appreciate your sharing. I lost my Dad October 9th. He suffered from Alzheimer’s. His death was a relief yet hard. We had his memorial service this past Saturday. And he was interned in Abraham Lincoln National Cemetary (an affliate of Arlington National Cemetary.) Because he was cremated it gave us time to meditate on how to best celebrate his life. There is still so much to do to settle his affairs in the midst of paperwork to place my mother in assisted living. Too many things resting on my shoulders making it hard to grieve. I wrote, read books I promised to give book reviews for and at times sat and did nothing. Frustration with the lack of cooperation of other family members has been the emotion that overwhelms me at times. Life goes on even in the midst of death and grieving. My children have busy lives and heavy work schedules and aren’t always available to help with their grandmother and all the details in the wake of grandpa’s homegoing. I find myself asking God for patience and surrendering each undone thing to him. Peace is fleeting and tears are few. But I know Jesus holds my hand even so. Thank you for sharing your heart and insights.
Hi Cindy, much of what you wrote applies to me. Luckily my mother had her estate in a trustee and my sister is doing the work. Much easier than it could have been. Mother had suffered with pain for years, and like you, it is a relief to know she’s at the feet of Jesus. Be blessed, my friend.
DiAnn, so sorry you’ve had to face this loss. While I am blessed to still have both of my parents, my husband and I have faced the loss of both of his parents and two miscarriages within 2 years. Losing our two children brought me much closer to God. I look at each day now as a day that brings us closer to the Rapture and being reunited with our munchkins. In the meanwhile, I have learned to keep going when I feel like staying in bed because I know my munchkins would want me to do so. Your mother would say to you, “keep writing and remember that we will be reunited in Heaven soon.” With the way our world is going, that can’t be too far off!
Hi Elizabeth, Oh, you are so right. What an eternal reunion to look forward to!
God bless your heart. A mother daughter bond is so deep. Jesus has you.
Hi Alana, thank you for your comforting words.
I am so sorry for you loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I lost my husband in May. I’m still very much in the process of trying to find what is my new normal. It’s hard.
I still find myself cleaning the house at 3AM. Nights are still very sleepless and so hard. So I understand the need to do something at odd hours.
My Mom and my little girl (shih tzu) are my best support. My little girl is the best thing for me when I’m feeling down.
My online friends have been my biggest support through everything. I’d be lost without all my wonderful friends.
Thanks for sharing you thoughts. You hit on a lot of things I’ve thought and felt the last months
Hi Crystal, thank you for taking the time to write me in the midst of your own pain. I pray for your healing and strength to meet each new day.
So sorry you’re going through this tragedy. I’ve lost both my parents, in my case, mom went first. Time does heal. Think of the funny things your mom did; laugh at the times your subconscious takes over. My dad died in October; I found myself buying his favorite candy the following December. I decided to laugh rather cry.
Hi Diane, thank you for writing me. Loss brings on so many emotions, and laughter is a healer.
Diann, I am so sorry about the loss of you mother. Please accept my love, prayers and condolences for you and your family. After losing my mother 7 years ago I still feel the pain. What gets me thru is knowing that she is no longer in pain and is at peace.
Remember the good times and I can assure you that the pain of losing her will begin to subside.
Hi Darnell, thank you for your kind words.
Dear DiAnn
With waves of fresh grief still rushing my heart, over my recent loss, I extend my sympathy and prayers. I heard a song recently, which captures some of my heart throbs:
“Tears are a language, God understands.” Even when those tears flow inside, He understands. You are so right, about her catching up with your dad. And as someone reminded me lately: “Our loved ones gone from us are enjoying a joy we will never know, till we get there. Be encourage din our Lord.
Hi Frances, I love what you said, “Tears are a language, God understands.” Thank you.
Dear DiAnn,
I am so sorry for your loss. Your transparent words were so real and will help many. When my father died he was 52 years old and I was 24. We were both unsaved. His death of cancer to my unsaved heart became a nightmare. I couldn’t cope with the thought so I repressed the grief. Fastforward to two years ago to the death of my elderly mother. Things were so different. I had been a believer for 38 years and she, also, had become a strong believer later in her life. Jesus walked us through each stage of her short illness and wrapped us in His cotton batting of love and care. As He gently took her home, He gave me time to pray and read Scripture to her. Jesus is the difference! I had worried how I would cope but His presence helped me grieve and gave me joy despite the circumstances. I would lie in bed after her death and tears would roll down my cheeks as I thought about her dear spirit but the underlying peace of knowing where she is would always override the sadness. I stayed in His Word and He watered my soul with His Spirit. God Bless you and the work that you do!! In Christ, Vee
Hi Vee
You’ve been on an incredible journey. I’m so glad you had Jesus with you during your mother’s passing. Bless you!
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. The feelings of sorrow can be so overwhelming but we were taught by our parents to put one foot in front of another and keep going. My family has always used humor to help us get through difficult times, so we talk about and remember stories of those we have lost and laugh at those special memories. The pain dissipates with time but never truly goes away. Wonderful memories are what sustain us.
Hi Deborah, thank you for your sweet words.
DiAnn,
Beautifully put. My sympathies and prayers are with you and your family. I know it is a hard time to get through.
I lost my Mom 26 years ago this past September, just one week before my birthday. I don’t think I ever really took the time to grieve properly for her. It seemed like everything fell to me to take care of right down to being the referee. However, when I think of my Mother I think of her with love and how she was and also the love she gave us all. I have times when some song will make me think of her and cry but I know she would not want me to cry. I still miss my Mom after all these years. I don’t think you ever get over missing them. I miss my father who has been gone nearly 30 years even more. I was a Daddy’s girl. Just remember the love.
Hi Paula
Both of my parents are gone too. Missing them means filling the huge hole with Jesus.
I’m sorry for your loss, DiAnn. Everything you wrote resonates. My father passed away October 30th, we buried him yesterday, and the Memorial Service at the church is tomorrow. I too have “waited for he lump to form in my throat” and had an “obsessive need to do something” – mine was mending and ironing for several hours.
There are many people who are grieving here. I will be praying for you all.
Oh Dana, I’m so sorry. We understand the ache. Thank you for taking the time to write me during your own grief.
First, my sympathies for your loss. No mater our age, the loss of a parent, unexpected or not, is a life shattering experience. I know. I’ve lost both my parents, in addition to other family and friends. This April I lost my husband of 46 yrs.. We had been together since I was 16. I still deal with intense grief and loss daily. God has been my support, how I have managed thus far. I have 2 sons, 6 grandchildren, 6 siblings, many very close friends, in addition to my church family. All have been my support in a multitude of ways. I know losing my parents was so difficult, but nothing as difficult as the loss of my husband: my soul mate, the love of my life, my life-long friend. Prayer continues to sustain me through this path life has thrown me on, one I did not choose to take.
Hi Leanna, I can’t imagine your grief in losing your husband. Mine is my best friend. Thank you for your kind words.
I share your grief in the loss of your mother as mine passed at the age of 96 this past March. I was recovering from a hospital stay and was unable to fly and attend her funeral so it has been difficult to imagine her gone. In the meantime, after I went back to work, I was laid off after two months. I lost my mother and my job. It has been difficult trying to find employment. However, I know everything is in God’s perfect plan and this may be an indication to me to move to a different area of the country.
God bless you DiAnn. Take care and remember we care about you and let us all pray for each other as we are all going through different and difficult times in our lives.
Judith, I’m so sorry for your loss of your mother and your job. Yes, let’s pray for each other.
So sorry for your loss. When my mom passed it was exactly two weeks from when I moved from my hometown of Springfield, Illinois to Cincinnati, Ohio. It’s hard but like you I have stories about her.
Anita, the stories keep our mothers alive.
I am so sorry for your loss!!
Jayne, thank you!
Hi DiAnn,
I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. It is so cliche, but prayers and friends help, but I think only time lessens the intensity of grief. My mother and son were gone 9 months apart. I think only by losing a loved one can you truly understand what someone goes through. Every memory, recipe, football game…everything that makes you smile will also contain tears. the joy of memories and the pain of heartbreak. No wonder we long for heaven….peace, love, and reunions. God bless you and your family. My heart truly aches for you.
Rebecca, Thank you for writing me. I’m sorry for your losses too. Prayer eases the grief.
What a beautiful, but heart-wrenching post. I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. God carries me through my grief. God bless you.
Thank you!
The biggest thing I remember about my times of grief was that I gave myself permission to be out of sorts, cry, or go off by myself. Everyone handles grief differently. You must do what works for you without apology. My prayers are with you as you work through this time. Blessings, dear friend.
Barbara, I think acceptance of how we handle grief is a good step forward.
I am so sorry for your loss, DiAnn. I lost both my Mother and Mother-in-law within months apart. It was hard as I was close to both of them. The latter one lived with us. To help get over it I just kept thinking about the good times we had and all the laughs. They were both great people and I know that they are with their husbands in heaven, both were in their late 80’s. Lots of prayers helps a lot.
I wish you the best and will be praying for you.
Love You
Hi Jackie
You were hit hard. We know it’s coming and we think we ‘re prepared – but we end up fooling ourselves.
This was beautiful DiAnn. Praying for you and your family, sending out a hug too.
Thanks, Stacy
Dear Diane, writing “I am so sorry for your loss” seems so inadequate for such a huge loss but I write these words from the bottom of my heart. Everyone experiences grief differently yet there are common threads for all of us. I lost my mom 10 years ago and I still miss her but I remember her life and how special she was and how she spread her love of God to everyone she met. I know God greeted her with the words, “We’ll done, my good and faithful servant. Come and share your master’s joy.” I’m sure your mom experienced the same greeting. I hope you find comfort with the the picture of your mom hugging Jesus. Thank you for your special books. They mean a great deal to many. Blessings, Maureen
Hi Maureen, what a beautiful picture. I imagine Mom sitting at the feet of Jesus -pain free.
DiAnn, please accept my deepest condolences on the loss of your Mother.
I know loss personally, 17 months ago I lost my husband. It seems like yesterday, but also like an eternity. Your advice is spot on, I think I would add that talking about the person is good therapy, it goes hand and hand with memories. I’ve been blessed with good friends along with plenty of prayers to get me through the tough days.
Thank you for sharing.
Hi Gail, thank you for your encouragement.
Hi Gail, prayers and my friends have helped the most. Thank you.
Dear DiAnn, My Mom is also 86. One moment she sounds great, the next she is saying she has been sick for years. I just try to be a sweet loving daughter. My sister and I have both looked into independent/assisted living for her so she will not be isolated in her final years.
We both want her happy and free of worry. I know your Mom is at peace.
Brenda
Hi Brenda, my mother loved her time spent in assisted living. Not only was she well taken care of but she also made many friends.
It has been almost twenty years and there are still times when I wish we could sit down for another chat. The love they gave me has sustained me throughout the years.
I taught a thanatology course at a university for twenty five years and this helped my grieving process, also. One can not walk around grief. You have to march right through the middle.
May you be comforted to know that many of use send our condolences to you and yours. Bless you.
Hi Pat, you are so right. I can’t skirt the issue; I have to march through it.
DiAnn I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your Mother. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. May God bless you and your entire family during this time of sorrow.
Hi Carolyn, thank you for your kind words and prayers.
Sorry for your loss. Our church celebrated All Saints Sunday this past Sunday and I was surprised again by my tears as I remembered my parents and other loved ones as we sang hymns acknowledging all those saints who have gone before.
Hi Beth, thank you for your kind words.
Thank you. Even in your grief, you ministered to me–and so many others, I’m sure. May God cover you with His quilt of comfort.
I love you~~
Thank you, Julie. Love you too!
I’m sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family.
Thank you, Debbie Gail.
Thank you for writing this. I am so sorry about your mom. I lost my mom this past April and am still struggling with grief. I pray for the peace that passes understanding for us both. And thank you to those who made helpful comments, too.
Hi Becky, I’m so sorry about the loss of your mom. Time heals but it seems to take far too long.
Love you DiAnn. When I lost my mom 11 years ago, I realized I had a limited time to “fall apart” – so I gave myself that time. I cried all morning, every morning for a couple of months. In the afternoon, I had to work with her estate, and get ready for something I had coming up. When my “deadline” approached, I could feel my emotions beginning to subside. The worst of the grief was over. Blessings on you as find what works for you.
Hi Donna, thank you for your kind words. I so appreciate you.
So sorry about your loss. When I lost my parents, I was miles away, in a different country, different continent, across the ocean. Just remember the good times, and hold the wonderful memories close.
Hi Kantu, Yes, the good times are the best memories.
So sorry for your loss, DiAnn.
Hi Meagan, thanks so much. Hope all goes well with you.
Dearest Diane, I’m so sorry for your loss. Praying for your comfort and strength as you grieve. May God bless you and your family.
Hi Temple, thank you for your prayers and kind words.
Thank you, DiAnn.
I read this as we are driving from SW Florida to North Carolina. My mother in law is tired of fighting ALS. I lost my mother at 16 and this wonderful lady has been my Mama for over 37 years. She gave me her wonderful son as well as many enriching moments through out these many years. I am a better person in many ways thanks to her. Your words are opportune and well appreciated. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Katherine, I pray God comforts you. Love is a powerful tool even when we ache.
Your grief brings tears to my eyes and prayers inside me.
Thank you, Janice.
Sorry for your loss. Your advise is very good. When my Dad died, I just remembered the good times and that he wasn’t suffering anymore. My mother was holding his hand. Now, she will be 100 in January. I anticipate getting a call every day, although when I talk to her she seems well. Yesterday she even told me she voted! Blessings to you and yours.
Hi Paula, thank you for your kind words. 100 years old! And voted! What a blessing.
I have had a Stephen Minister help me and also attended a Grief Share class. Both were very helpful to me.
Hi Martha, thank you for your suggestions and for taking the time to comment.
I am so sorry, DiAnn. My father died four years ago and things happen to remind me of him out of the blue. Grief comes to everyone differently and unexpectedly sometimes. Last Sunday, we lost our brother in law after a battle with cancer. I wish I could help my sister but I realize that all I can do is pray for God’s comfort, love and peace in the days to come, especially the upcoming holidays. May God’s comfort, love and peace be with you as well.
Hi Gloria, thank you for writing me in the midst of your own sorrow. Life and death – one is so much easier than the other.
So sorry for your loss, DiAnn. My Mom died in my arms, and that has remained a gift to me. One thing that helped with he grief was knowing that she always knew how loved she was, and that I had done everything I could for her. I read once that Helen Keller said death is just walking into another room. Someday I’ll open the door to that room and see all of those beloved who have left before me.
Karen, your words are a blessing to me and I’m sure to everyone who’s read them. I’m going to look for the Helen Keller quote – thank you.
I am sorry for your loss DiAnn,when I lost my mother I found a little peace in music .Garth Brooks song “The Dance” help me remember that no matter how it happened my mother would do it all again because she lived us and that love would never die.My favorite part of the song.
“I could have missed the pain but I’d have to miss the dance”
Hi Mary, The Dance is a beautiful song with reminders of living life to the fullest. Thank you.
I grieve with you for your loss. Your mother left quite a legacy. You honor her well. God bless.
Hi Rebekah, thank you so much. When I started writing, she bought a bookcase and told me to fill it up.
I am so sorry for your loss DiAnn. I remember when my mom passed away. One thing that helped me through the grief was the kind words of people who knew her when they shared memories of her with me. You and your family are in my prayers.
Hi Loraine, you are so right. Hearing stories about Mom has been a blessing.
Go back to the old times you shared with your loved one. Their smile, kindness and love. Remember they did the best they could do with life they were given. AND MOST OF ALL, REMEMBER THEY LOVED YOU!
Thank you, sweet sister. Being loved is the best treasure of all. Love you!