By DiAnn Mills @DiAnnMills
Most of us have memories from the past that refuse to let us go. The reminders of failings weigh us down like over-stuffed luggage. We recall conversations and events—repeatedly. While on the surface, we pretend to have our act together. Depression sets in. We physically hurt. A lump stays fixed in our throats. We’re afraid to tell anyone. Counseling is out of the question because the therapist will think badly of us.
Instead of unloading the junk from our hearts and minds, we keep opening the baggage up, rearranging the details, and reliving whatever happened that hurt us. Each time we unpack the ugliness, we lengthen the time it takes to recover and heal.
Let’s face it. We all have those painful moments. But how we handle the ugliness of our lives shows who we really are. Do we long to be strong or cower into a pitiful mess? I’m speaking to myself here.
We can choose to break free.
Being chained to the past means the suffering person never experiences freedom. Only when we are able to face the problem, deal with the issues rationally, and take positive steps to move ahead does truth have an opportunity to surface. Truth is freeing, but it may scrape our hearts raw. Our interpretations may be false or we have succumbed to lies.
When we can clear our vision, optimism has an opportunity to take root inside us where it counts. That’s when we can begin the process of full recovery, dealing with each issue until the matter is resolved.
Too often our physical health suffers too. Stress is one of the greatest factors that attack our bodies. Been there? Me too?
How can we begin to make sense of events and circumstances that threaten to steal our joy?
- Write down the memory.
Read it for truth. Is this exactly how and what happened? - Who was with you?
Is it possible to talk to whoever else was involved? - Discover the truth no matter how difficult.
We may be a victim of a lie or we may be at fault. Choose to accept the truth. - Can anything be done to make amends?
Sometimes we need to apologize or make changes. - Seek out an accountability partner.
We all need a nudge sometimes. That help can be in the way of encouragement or support. - Find the courage to put the deed behind.
Too often we become comfortable in guilt-wallowing. The feelings of insecurity, bitterness, and lack of confidence hold us tight. - Follow through.
All the planning, prayer, and preparation doesn’t do us a bit of good if we can’t take action. If we want to free our hearts and minds from the past, then we have to do the work.
What have you found that works best to rid yourself from weights of the past?
Comments 20
Hi, DiAnn! When I am struggling with hurt, betrayal, or disappointment I have found that speaking God’s truth into my life has a healing effect. For instance, if I am feeling unloved, repeating scriptures that assure me of God’s love for me helps me to feel loved and to draw me closer to forgiveness. I am so thankful that God’s word is living and can be applied to all the situations of life!
Like you mentioned, writing the incident down. Pen and paper. The physical act of moving my fingers, being able to read what I’ve written in my own handwriting, closing the journal seems to move thoughts from one side of my brain to the other. I can release the feelings or the prayer request or confession much easier than if I allow the memory to float around my mind. I am “letting go” of what ails me. I can choose whether or not to focus on thoughts that cause me pain by opening the journal. Or I can leave them in God’s more-than-capable hands. I feel as if I have control over those memories. That’s much better than those hurtful events randomly appearing.
Reading Harry Potter, I connected with the characters who used the Pensieve: they removed memories and placed them elsewhere. Physically removing painful events removed any power those memories had. The people decided if/when they wanted to revisit those moments. Great idea!
Thank you for an EXCELLENT article!! Your insights and advice are greatly appreciated!
Jann, when we seek a means to put the past behind us, I believe God will provide a way that entices us to shake off the chains.
Your statement, “Truth is freeing, but it may scrape our hearts raw,” is so true, but so necessary. After it is scraped, God can come in and heal. Thanks for this revealing post, DiAnn.
Thank you, Barbara. The scraped heart is one that heals with a purpose.
A program using John Eldridge’s book, “Wild at Heart” is an excellent resource for both men and women. In it, he explained how and why men think about things and why most men suffer from a wound (any kind) given by their father when the child was 7-9 years old. Once that wound is exposed and dealt with, the man can step up to the life God intended for him. A woman reading this can better understand how and why her husband or perhaps son exhibits certain actions, or lack thereof.
Thanks, Warren, appreciate your wisdom. We have that book, and now I have a reason to read it.
Great post, DiAnn. I run into this all the time in ministry, as well as feeling like I’m on a personal heart-cleanse every day. I’ve discovered that those ever-rehearsing thoughts are judgments, and my mind is trying to rework a bygone situation to seek a different ending. Forgiveness is the key, but also understanding that just because we forgive someone from the heart, does not mean we have to allow them back into our lives if they are an abusive.
Such a good word, friend!
So true, Julie. If we are to learn from being hurt and deceived, then we cannot trust the abuser again unless he/she earns it.
So true DiAnn. I’m glad I learned this. It freed me to forgive as God commands me to do without saying I have to be in relationship with the abuser/offender. Thank you for writing this.
Lynda, thank you for your response. Forgiveness does free us – and so does wisdom.
Thank you, DiAnn. Truth! Sometimes we want to move forward but those who choose a victim mentality want us to dwell there with them. After I’ve done the heart work necessary to move on this “One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13-14). The words “straining” and “pressing” tell us moving on will not be easy but necessary to fulfill God’s call. Refusing to fall for the lies of the enemy and washing ourselves in the Truth of the Word is key to finishing the race strong.
Sometimes moving on may mean leaving someone we love dearly behind. If that’s the case, we must pray and trust in a sovereign, merciful God For the outcome. It will be for our good and his glory.
Starr, thank you for sharing your wisdom. We can choose to be broken or we can rise and “press on.” I appreciate you!
Sometimes we have to take a look at the way God turned things for good and focus on that rather than on the hurt. Also, being a bit like a child who does not hold grudges helps. And, accepting God’s gift of forgetfulness helps. Another thing that might help is to consider the state of mind of the person who said or did the hurtful thing. Take it with a grain of salt. None of us are perfect and we all have bad moments that deserve grace, forgiveness, and replacement of positive feelings over negative feelings. My two cents for whatever it’s worth.
Now I will ponder a fresh hurt this week and decide how to view it and if I can make a positive move to give insight or if it is best to give grace and consider the source. Always give the benefit of the doubt when a comment can be taken one way or another♡
Janice, thank you! When we are hurt and betrayed, it’s difficult to find grace and forgiveness. Thank You, God, that we are not alone.
Wonderful counsel Ms. DiAnn. Like you, and most I think, there are memories of my past that can cause great pain and depression if I allow them to. For me, and I am making no judgments here, I’ve found that one key in working through the pain of the past is Forgiveness. In reaching the point, which has in some cases taken me decades to get to, where I could honestly and completely forgive another, I found that the blessing I received was that God removed the pain from the memory. I still remember the painful periods from my childhood and beyond. But in the act of forgiving, the pain has been removed from the memories. I pray that others can add this to your wonderful list of suggestions and they find the peace needed to let go of their painful past. God’s blessings ma’am.
Oh so true, JD. The ability to forgive and make peace with your past, your shortcomings, and those of others is vital. It’s easy to forget that most of the time (I realize there are exceptions) people are simply doing all they know to do with the tools and the examples they’re given. We learn best from our mistakes. Oh, what a shame if we miss the point.
J.D., most of us find it easy to encourage others to follow God’s guidance, but it’s so hard when the betrayal enters our lives. We hurt deeply, and it takes time to work through the damage and apply forgiveness. Thank you for your insight!
If I allowed them to control me, or pretended they don’t exist me, I would have drowned long ago. Memories, like unexpected visitors drop by, and some barge in before we can decide whether we can visit. Others barge in, rush our minds, some even demand hospitality.
I went through a particularly rough time while in Nurse’s training. All was going well, until it was time to learn to hang IVS. I will shorten my story. There was a blockage, in me that is. I could not calculate well enough to get the hang of it. A great instructor rescued me when she asked: “all else is flowing well. What’s blocking you in this area? Memories washed over, and nearly drowned me.
In my early childhood,because I could not calculate in my head, an arithmetic problem, the teacher tried to whip it into me. She did not succeed in whipping arithmetic solving, but rather a dislike for math.
It caught up with me, and nearly caused me to fail my studies. As part of my simple therapy with a
counsellor filled with God’s Spirit, I wrote a letter to that teacher as though it had happened recently.
That simple step of facing and dealing with destructive memories helped. I am still not good at math, but got the hang of it, and moved on with my life.
Frances, what a beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing your experience – so vivid.