By DiAnn Mills @DiAnnMills
Have you ever met someone who could soften even the hardest conversation with kindness and a few simple words of encouragement? Perhaps someone has done that for us! We experienced a gifted person soothing an angry or troubled mood or situation and successfully created an environment of peace.
God desires an attitude of love: loving our neighbors as ourselves; loving others as God loves us; extending grace; and more. Our lives are filled with volatile situations from toddler tantrums to tense interactions with adults. But with love, prayer, and incorporating a few communication skills, we can master uncomfortable situations with confidence and compassion.
Scripture says:
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3 ESV).
“You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39 ESV.)
Preparation
Readying ourselves for a conversation with an unhappy person can stress us, lead to tension, and result in conflict. If we use prayer, some planning, and rid ourselves of preconceived ideas, we are more likely to reach an amicable solution.
Empathy
The ability to put our feet into the shoes of others to understand their feelings and concerns from their point of view takes sensitivity, humility, and sincerity. We must shut out the rest of the world, which brings us to the next skill—
Listening
Remember our mothers and teachers instructing us we have two ears to listen and one mouth to speak? Those words are true when we negotiate any dispute, be it personal or professional. We don’t have to accept what the other person(s) is saying, but we need to understand, clarify, and show genuine caring for their opposition. The only way to achieve this is to listen with our ears and our heart. “How would you see this conflict resolved?” shows we care.
Body language
Statistics say 90 percent of our communication is body language. Eye contact, relaxed posture, smiles, palms up, and a tilt of the head show we are concentrating on the person.
Frowns, crossed arms, eye-rolls, stiffened posture, and lack of eye contact are but a few of the negative stances that often offend during communication. Openness and an attitude of caring go a long way.
Word choice
The wise saying, “It’s not about me” means choosing what we say and how we say it for the best possible response. Some words are negative simply by what they mean. Avoid the word you. It tends to be accusatory, like wagging a finger in front of the other person’s face. However, “I see you’re upset, and I want to help” is gracious and filled with compassion. In understanding the true source of the problem, asking for clarification shows we are concerned.
Hard-sounding consonants can be interpreted as harsh. Soft consonants and long vowel sounds can soothe the ears.
Wise solution
A wise solution takes into consideration the needs of those involved. Appropriate communication doesn’t mean one person walks away with a win. The outcome addresses the needs of all concerned.
Working out disagreements is a challenge and often tasks us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. In closing: Philippians 4:13 ESV says, “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
What is a tip you can share that sweetens tough conversations?
Comments 25
When we pause and consider the personality and outlook a person we know or someone we don’t know well may have, it will help us focus on grace, truth, or supportive responses.
Sometimes, when you know the person with whom you’re talking won’t mind it, a gentle touch on the arm can add a “sweetener” to a conversation.
Author
Thanks, Tim. You are so right. Just knowing the person is there is comforting.
Wonderful advice to consider, especially in these times that seem to be full of uncomfortable conversations and confrontations. Thank you for the guidance.
Author
You are welcome, Kristine. I write a blog post when I need help!
Great wisdom in this message. Recently, I’ve had to pause, pray, and prepare myself to listen to someone who “lives for the drama”. 🙂
Author
Melissa, unfortunately too many people live for the drama! Not us!
Life can be hard. Everyone at some times experiences the “ hard”. If I can be a good listener, then I am grateful for the opportunity to be there for someone who just needs to share. Having someone who cares and will listen is a gift. I’ve received and I am grateful to be there for someone who needs a listening heart.
Thank you DiAnn for the wise words and thoughts.
Author
Joyce, if given a choice, it’s much easier for me to listen than to share what’s on my mind. That is probably true of most of us.
I heard this advice from a previous supervisor. I try to remember to lower my voice level when an angry caller is on the line. Many times when I listen and do not raise my voice while replying, it can help.
Author
Thanks, Adrianne. I think irate callers are looking for a reason to continue their tirade. You lower your voice, and they calm down.
Thank you for reminding us that we need to listen more and empathize with the speaker. Thinking about the word choices with negative or positive sounds gave me food for thought.
You are the best, DiAnn.
Author
Oh, thank you, Jackie. I appreciate your kind words!
Very good thoughts, DiAnn. I often use these principles in counseling sessions to encourage more accurate communication.
I especially l appreciate the part about listening. So often. Instead of being fully present, people are formulating a response while the other person is speaking. Once this is pointed out, the listener often doesn’t recognize that it was happening.
Effective communication is so important.
James 1:19 – 20
Author
Cindy, although I didn’t plan it, the post coincides with Mark’s last two weeks of video thoughts.
Thank you,I love this and this is why I read your books,Your Love of Jesus and you help the reader learn of JESUS and what some people might go thru and JESUS is always waiting
GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS YOU AND all you do
Judy
Great counsel!
Author
Oh, thank you, Debbie!
Thank you for this wise post. I needed to be reminded!
Author
Pamela, I needed to be reminded 🙂
Thank you! I need this today.
Author
Sweet friend, I need it every day!
Author
Barbara, If the process was easy, we’d all be pros. Standing up for truth while showing concern for the other person separates the Christian believer who practices modeling Jesus from the person who feels wronged. When we hurt, it’s difficult to have empathy, but we must. Thank you for sharing your insight.
For sure, DiAnn. . .for all to be pros. Sounds restful. Empathy is crucial, but mine only lasts for 4-5 rounds. I have to remember I am not always dealing with the person involved, but the “enemy” trying to devour and destroy.
Thanks for the great reminders.mi’ll reread this several times.
These tips are a great reminder, DiAnn, and sometimes so hard to do. If it’s a confrontational conversation and involves me, I use “I” statements. I feel hurt by the words I heard, I’m upset and trying to work through this, would you better help me understand?
If I’m dealing with a compulsive liar, I state the situation and how it appears, then ask them if there’s anything they want to correct about it?Usually, there are more lies, justifications and hostility. I give another opportunity for them to be truthful. If the lying continues, I’m pretty straightforward, trying my best not to raise my voice, but state the evidence and the facts. Probably by this time, we are in spiritual warfare. I also mention the spiritual warfare into the conversation and try to direct it to the attacks we are experiencing. Oh, but I do hate these conversations. I definitely try to show and give grace, but it is difficult dealing with a lying spirit. I don’t need to win, but I do need truth and demonic influences to be stomped under my feet.